Guilt. Regret. Blame. Delinquency.

I don’t know what else you would call it or how to fully explain what happens to me after I have what I term, ‘A Bad Day’. Saturday was one of those bizarre days, actually…it was downright crummy (I could use another descriptive word, but I have pledged to keep this site PG rated). It was day 1 of a family vacation of sorts (nothing too elaborate, especially when Andrew must leave mid-week for 3 days for a company meeting). But, it was something we’ve been looking forward to for a few weeks. The weather was fantastic, all 3 of us were relaxed and ready for the fun. And then…it hit; seizure #1, then came #2 and #3. When it was all said and done, I had about 6 seizures in that first hour. But it didn’t end there. I was knocked down by at least 20 episodes throughout the day. The magnet swiped on my VNS wasn’t doing much, and of course, I forgot my Ativan (rescue medication) at home. I know, I know, stupid. So, I laid in bed for much of the day and tried to sleep through it all.

When I awoke yesterday morning, well-rested and committed to tackling the day, seizure-free, I thought about what had happened. I belabored the fact that I had missed the first day of our vacation, having spent it, head on my pillow. I apologized profusely to Andrew and Hayden. Hayden really didn’t have much to say. She just wanted to make sure she was getting pizza and chocolate milk for lunch and she would get the opportunity to see her friends a mile or so down the lake from us.

After about a dozen apologies, Andrew stopped me abruptly, almost with a raised voice.

“Why,” he asked. “What in the world would lead you to think you must apologize for days like yesterday?”

“You two suffered, and I feel so guilty,” I said, startled and choked up.

“That’s insane,” he calmly explained. “This is part of your life…our life. So, if it happens to be a day with seizures, we’ve learned to handle it.”

Still, I can’t help but let it torment me. Epilepsy is one of those illnesses that sort of has tentacles. If you are suffering, you tend to bring others down with you, whether it’s with their concern or their care; but, only the ones who deeply care and want to, or already do understand the condition.

So, another note to self…I have enough stress in my world. I must make sure I don’t let guilt play a role in managing this thing we call Epilepsy.

...with Hayden, January 2008